On this day 1983 years ago, Jesus died in a climactic battle with the Easter Bunny. Jesus fought hard and well, and prevented many homes in the greater Jerusalem area from being egged.

Not many know the true nature of Jesus’ heroic sacrifice. The true victor of the confrontation, the Easter Bunny was able to successfully alter the historical record, and hide the truth. But I know what really happened.

The bunny was initially a propaganda tool, an agent of the Roman Emperor. Jesus and his teachings were considered dangerous, so an equally absurd countermeasure was needed to quell any potential uprising.

One day, in the spring of 33 AD, the Easter Bunny confronted Jesus just outside of Jerusalem. He was led there on a tip from a priest named Judas. The Bunny was initially put off by the ravings of Judas. He was screaming for vengeance, yelling, “you’ve got another thing comin!”

The Bunny informed Judas that Jesus was breaking the law, and that before the dawn, he would become a victim of changes. This seemed to pacify Judas.

Neither participant wasted any time taking the fight to their opponent.

The Bunny disarmed Jesus early, knocking aside his rod and staff. Jesus wept, but only briefly.

Eyewitnesses later reported the two mythical creatures then collided in the city square, brawling their way into buildings, through walls, and even into throngs of onlookers. So mighty were some of the blows, that Jesus’s face could be seen impacted into several walls for generations to come.

Jesus attempted to pacify the ferocious anthropomorphic rabbit with a quick sermon, but was countered with a barrage of Cadbury cream, covering the celestial scion with sweet, sappy goo. The loathsome lagomorph advanced on the sticky savior in an attempt to finish him off. A carefully constructed crucifix of carrots stood nearby, ready to receive the Bunny’s victim.

As the substance of the cream was still mostly water, Jesus managed to quickly turn it into a nice sweet moscato, and it sluiced off his robes, harmlessly to the ground. The bunny realized his no-longer-quarried foe might escape, and quickened his pace, attempting a powerful hop directly onto the retreating form of the dynamic deity.

Jesus had to think quickly. A scrap of bread lay on the ground nearby. Using his multiplication powers, the scrap quickly became a bakery’s worth of loaves. He hurtled the baked delights at the Bunny as he plummeted toward Mr. Of Nazareth. The bread barrage knocked Bunny off course, where he tumbled gracelessly into a parked chariot.

Jesus beat a hasty retreat as the bunny collected himself. He needed to regroup and plan his counter-offensive. He saw the sea just a few cubits away. Jesus sprinted toward the shore. Rabbits don’t swim, right? At least, not when burdened with eggs and chocolate.

As he neared the water, Jesus could hear the inexorable sound of breathless bunny bounding barely behind him. Jesus ran down the dock, and gracefully dove into the water… where he unceremoniously smacked into the hard surface. He rolled across the top of the water in a jumbled heap of arms and legs.

“Dad-dammit,” he cursed to himself. “I forgot about that.”

He lay on the surface of the water, trying to get his wind back. He could hear the fuzzy spirit of Easter roaring with laughter from the nearby dock.

Before he could start moving, Jesus felt a heavy carrot penetrate his hand. And then another penetrated his other hand. And then one on through each foot. The carrots were fixed to long strands of plastic grass. He could feel the bunny using the strands to pull him back toward shore.

Jesus struggled some as he was brought back onto land, but at that point, the fight was essentially over. Jesus was then to be made a spectacle, not merely discarded like so many worthless Peeps. The rest is, as they say, history.

Now you know what actually happened on that day.

The Bunny was heard by onlookers boasting that he had kicked both cheeks. The rowdy, ruthless rabbit raged raucously. But as a mercenary, his interest was more in payment and less in mocking a vanquished foe. Eventually his energies turned toward his perpetual conflict with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. He’d settle the score with those frauds, one day….

A retroactive disclaimer: This is meant to be a lighthearted and humorous missive, not to be taken as an attack. To anybody out there who takes this holiday seriously, there is no offense intended.

…and if you’re still offended, that’s your problem.