Yesterday, a friend and I were talking about the usual – politics, religion, sex, music from our childhood and adolescence. Pretty normal stuff. Somehow the topic came around to a silly video going around the internet of a llama hopping around to a DMX tune. Pretty funny stuff.
Inspired by that and also by the aborted (and likely always fraudulent) DMX vs George Zimmerman proposed boxing match, I have come up with a suggestion for what to do with the absolute worst celebrities. You know, the truly awful, obnoxious ones, who should be in jail, or rehab, or both, rather than assaulting the senses of good taste and reason with their continued presence in the cultural zeitgeist. An aside… Just yesterday I found myself making fun of people who drop the word “zeitgeist” into their writing… and yet I couldn’t resist here. See what blogging has done to me?
Maybe what we should do is take all the worst celebrities and put them in a Hunger Games/Battle Royale-style free-for-all war game. Let’s put ‘em in a giant dome with limited supplies and a simple directive – the winner survives. Of course, it’s almost inevitable that the winner would end up with their own reality show. Perhaps the real punishment would be forbidding any and all cameras, reporters, or Twitter access during their melee. That’s right, they have to kill each other – without any public attention! Perhaps 90% of professional famous people just shut down and go into sleep mode when there are no cameras around. This creates the philosophical quandary – if a celebrity can’t be noticed, do they function?
Here’s the thing – obnoxiousness is subjective. What I really mean are people who are downright dangerous to civilized society. People included in this can’t just have SAID dumb things, they have to have actually pulled a DMX and DONE something dumb (You know about his impersonation of a law enforcement officer, right? Hilarious). This hopefully removes most subjectivity and accusations of political and religious bias.
It also means conservatives are stuck with Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell still hanging around, and liberals are stuck with Kirk Cameron and Sean Hannity. That’s a small price to pay for having people like DMX fight for their lives in a dystopian future full of booby traps, robots, and a deadly Jennifer Lawrence. Not to say she deserves this treatment, but I would be happy to see her perched in a tree, picking these people off with her arrows.
…and Jennifer will get her scalps.
I would suggest limiting the roster to people who were already celebrities before their crimes, or who would become celebrities in spite of their crimes. People like George Zimmerman, who became famous as a result of their crimes don’t deserve any more attention and would do well to disappear from the public eye forever.
People like Winona Ryder, who was caught shoplifting, are not positive role models to emulate. However, these are individuals who really did little lasting harm to others and are just sad more than anything else.
Great news, Winona, you get to steal yet another day! Maybe the current wave of 90’s nostalgia would sweep you back into relevance!
Drug and prostitution stuff? Scott Weiland, Lindsay Lohan, Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy… I’m inclined to give them a pass. It’s hard to judge a lot of that stuff, as there are solid arguments to be made toward decriminalization of drugs and prostitution. Lots of philandering politicians are off the hook, as well. Whew! It’s your lucky day, Larry Craig and Anthony Weiner!
Wesley Snipes is in kind of a grey area. I’m more inclined to be angry toward violent offenders, or sex offenders. Tax evasion isn’t quite in the same boat. On the other hand, he owed literally millions of dollars to the Federal government, which means, indirectly, the American people. And his excuse…? Generic tax protester theories. He first tried the “861” argument, which claims the tax code itself invalidates personal income tax on American citizens. Well, that didn’t work. Okay, what did he try next? He then claimed he wasn’t a citizen, and was a non-resident alien. Yeah… so you’re a citizen when it keeps you from taxes, and not a citizen when it keeps you from taxes. No matter. Wesley was born in Orlando to American-born parents. Nice try. Still, I’m inclined to be lenient… wait, he made Blade II. And then, Blade Trinity. Sorry, Wesley. Throw him in the battle.
Rapper C-Murder beat a 16 year old to death. Wow, a guy calling himself “C-Murder” killed someone. So, it’s not just a clever name. Yup, he’s in the Blunder Games, too.
Don King is approximately 163 now, and hasn’t done anything noteworthy in boxing for more than a decade. It seems wrong to put him in here. Yet, he did murder two people. Shot one man in the back, and stomped another to death. And he foisted John Ruiz on the boxing world. Throw him in!
Phil Spector… I don’t care about the murder… look at that hair! And that weird face! He’s going in.
Jimmy Page kidnapped a 14 year old girl and basically held her hostage for years.
Vince Neil killed someone while drunk driving.
Matthew Broderick killed someone while behind the wheel, as well. And he made Inspector Gadget.
Sean Penn doesn’t get in here because he shoots his mouth off… that was already established as not enough reason. He’s in because he broke into Madonna’s house, tied her to a chair, and beat her for hours on end. He then left for some more booze, because apparently his permanent blood alcohol level of .666 wasn’t enough, and then came back to beat her up some more. Have fun dodging Jennifer’s arrows, Sean!
Speaking of Madonna, I once watched Body of Evidence. Fortunately, I feel asleep halfway through, so the trauma and mental anguish was reduced. She gets a pass… wait, wait… Kabballah… the Sex book? Well, maybe this will give her a shot at some Penn revenge. Good luck!
I love Sean Connery. I do. Underrated actor, the best James Bond (though Daniel Craig is close), and owner of the coolest voice EVER. And yet… there was his 1965 Playboy interview, in which he advocated domestic violence as a way to keep those pesky women from getting too mouthy. Okay, that was the ‘60’s… maybe he moderated his opinion a bit as he grew older and wiser. Flash forward to 1987, and an interview with Barbara Walters where he … said he stood by all of it. Jeez. Sorry, Sean, but perhapsh you will shurvive thish battle, if you’re lucky.
Meatloaf yelled at Gary Busey for stealing his art and craft supplies on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice. He didn’t just yell, he screamed, and threatened, and threw a violent tantrum. In general, he acted like a huge piece of crap. Being a jerk isn’t normally enough to join this illustrious roster. However, I don’t care what else he did, but if he’s stuck working with the likes of Gary Busey, and Donald Trump, and the only thing he can get mad about is misplaced paint? Meatloaf turns out to be the jerk in that group? Hey, Meatloaf, would you do anything for survival?
Dr Dre beat up a woman for having the gall to interview Ice Cube. He had his bodyguard hold off a crowd so he could beat her at a party, uninterrupted.
Not only did Tim Allen get caught trying to smuggle 1.4 pounds of coke through an airport, but he then snitched on every drug dealer he had ever met, getting his sentence reduced from life to an eventual 28 months. And he did Home Improvement. And the Santa Clause. And Christmas With the Kranks…
Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison was connected with the shooting of a drug dealer in Philadelphia in 2008. He was able to avoid prosecution, though most accounts make it appear likely that Harrison pulled the trigger. But he’s really good at catching a ball, so all is forgiven, right? Sorry, tell that to Katniss as she’s sniping you from a tree. Hope you brought your pads and helmet, Marvin.
Fred Durst gets the call, because of pretty much everything he has ever publicly done. And likely for things he has privately done as well. Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp aren’t safe, either.
Roman Polanski. Read his Wikipedia page for further detail, if you must know. He’s certainly worthy of this group.
The best part about a list like this – We’re barely scratching the surface! There are dozens more horrible celebrities who could be battling it out with each other in a huge biodome. Hmmm… Biodome? Should I have included Pauly Shore? Ehhhh… let’s save him for a future round.
The possibilities are endless.